While looking out thru his green colored tear dripping windows he saw happiness in children's eyes, smiles on peoples lips happy families going hand in had. The sun where heating his brown hairy roof and the Sunbeams fingertips tickled the walls covered in skin. Across the yard a group of humans stands in a crowd and loudly but friendly jokes with each other.
One human breaks loose from the heard and slowly moves towards the windows, says something in a friendly way to the man locked inside. A door on the floor below the windows opens and a sound comes out. It a silent fake polite reply to whatever the human on the outside said. The two looks at each other and both of them feels the uncomfortable silent that occurs shortly after. A silent that tells them that they are very different and have nothing in common. The stranger walks back to the pact of humans and stands in line once again to continue being the way he is expecting to be. They seem to be happy, pointless? Well yes and probably no bigger source for the survival of the planet but still, happy.
As the man keeps on observing them he wondered why he cant feel like that. The feeling of happiness or joy was something he where not blessed with. Even on his best days he still felt like everything around him where pest and if he interacted with it he would be infected for sure. He could no longer separate a good feeling from a bad as they had melted together into one single piece of hard steal. The outside of his home where hot and warm but the inside of these muscle fiber walls where stone cold. The basement where full of thick black mud and where slowly filling up the whole first floor. Soon it would reach the stairway up to the main door and completely suffocate him.
There where no more places to hide, not up or down all the space had run out on him and now there where only darkness. He thought of all the old memories he had packed down in boxes up on the attic, they filled up all of the space and he had not looked in them for years.
The thought of them sickened him, a stupid 13 year old boy making all the wrong choices and constantly heading the wrong way. Sure he had no guides or any help from any adult, his mom where a depressed empty shell and his father made a smart decision to leave here when he where just a baby. But still he should have know better, he where smarter then the rest of the kids in his age. He took the easy way out by acting stupid so no one would pick on him or hit him as they did to the other smart boys...this is the way of a coward and cant be accepted or forgiven...ever. And now here he where many poor decisions and crooked paths later. Sitting in his own filth that is about to completely consume him. Something had to be done, a change, anything that would help him to feel just remotely better.
At one point in his life he had actually tried to clean up the attic, opened all the old boxes and pushed happy thoughts in, desperately trying to store this up there instead. He had also opened the windows and the door completely to let in light and people in to interact with. Unfortunately this had resulted in a massive meltdown that caused a part of the cells to burn out and the heat reactor to pump way to fast for the rest of the building to handle. Everything started to shake and anger came on a visit to put a stop to it, the door where slammed shut and barricaded. The boxes became over filled and the content started to fall out all over the soft wet floor. People he interacted with during this period where thrown away or left on the attic with the rest of the junk. The only one he kept where his wife that he meet during this period, the only living human besides himself he could actually have a relation with.
He now had two choices, he could take the easy way out as he had done so many times before or he could stay and fight his inner demon. After hours of serious thinking he came to the conclusion that if he should take the easy way out and run away, he would have to peal down and slice up the walls from the outside in. The thought of him giving up and bleeding to death in a bathtub did not feel right. He still had allot to give and gain from the world especially now when he had found true love, so this where not an option. Also the easy way where the one he had chosen one to many times before and the reason he where feeling they way he did today. The only real option left where the hard one, he had to enter the attic and start searching for the root of the problem. Before he had found and slayed the demon there where no way he would be able to empty the basement or open the door to society again.
The work started on a Monday morning he had called in sick that day and where now left alone. To get in the right mode he darkened down the outside world, started to play TOOL and let out the cat for total silence. Comfortably sitting in the sofa he closed the green windows and picked up a mental flashlight, the inner search could begin. The first steps on the narrow and crocked stairs squeaked under his foot, his knees where shaking and before he took the next step the thought of giving up had already accrued. A few deep breath later he started to run up the stairs, there where no where giving up, he had to make things right. Within seconds he stood before the black thick door that he once slammed shut and barricaded, now it had to be reopened.
While catching his breath he leaned against the door, instantly all the memories from his previous try to connect with the outside world. All the fake smiles, the endless discussions with depressed complaining people that never really wanted help anyway, idiot alpha male figures trying to prove something, stupid couple always arguing but still staying together, alcoholic friends trying to drink their sorrow away, backstabbing fuckers standing on every corner not even hesitating to take your place. While sliding down the door to hit the floor he thought to himself; Do I want all that in here again? Do I dare to open up to the outside world one more time? What if the results will be the same? No, stop it, don't think like that, I'm playing tricks on myself! I have to go on, I have to, its the only way to ever get an answer. And without thinking any further he stood up and started to pull down the planks nailed into the walls covering the door, by kicking and screaming he broke some of them of in the middle and within a few minuets the door where now free as if nothing ever had been covering it. Now the only problem left was that the last time he locked the door it where to never open it again so the key where gone, thrown away, he would have to pick lock it.
Before trying to be a master thief he simply turned the knob and surprisingly it slided up smooth and easy.The door where not locked witch where strange as he where sure he had locked it. Could some one had unlocked it from the inside? He thought for himself. If someone had tried to get out they wouldn't get far as the planks on the outside stooped it from open. As he entered the attic he where reminded of enormous size and he quickly forgot all about the door. It where a endless maze of corridors constantly renewing and rebuilding itself. There where several huge rooms with enough place for even the biggest library. He took corner after corner and walked and walked searching for the right room. There where no need for the flashlight at this moment as the corridors where lit up by thousand electronic flashes passed by inside the walls during every second. He got lost along the way a couple of times and ended up in wrong lobes. He seized the moment and took a opportunity to see the mysterious room of creativity, the fine room of speech and spent many minutes discussing with the logic department. After a unknown amount of time he finally reached cellar door leading down far in the back with a sign that said "The occipital lobe".
While opening the doors dust and a old stench met his face, looking down he saw absolutely nothing. Total darkness dominated the space due to boxes covering the walls and keeping all light behind. He turned the flashlight on and had to push himself thru row after row of old and dusty boxes, all stabled as high and long the space aloud. After walking in dominating silence in what seemed to be an eternity he could all the sudden hear something moving in the far end on the corridor. He stopped, trying to see anything further down then what the flashlights could reach, he saw nothing but darkness. As he stood there freezing still, he heard nothing, not even his own heart or breading, he had sunken to deep down into his own mind to hear the sweet sound of life. He started to move forward again, slowly, lighting up every empty space on the way.
A crossroad came, he stood for a while deciding wits way to choose when he all the sudden hear the same noise again,this time to the left. He turned over quickly an saw the fast moment of a shadow running down the narrow hallway. Without thinking twice he started to run as fast as the tight space let him, screaming after the demon; Stop! Get back here! Only there where no stopping not even the slightest sign of slowing down. He where now getting further and further behind and where not able to keep the same speed as this demon could. The hope to ever catch up and grab the little creature where soon gone and as the last hope where dying so where the flashlight. It started to blink and slowly the strong light went weaker and weaker. He kept on running as long as his mind could carry him but he where tired after the long journey deep down into his own awareness. After a short while he stood still again, listening after the noise from before, once again...nothing. He tried to lean against the wall but just kept on tumbling out into a open empty space.
All hope seemed to die, there where no walls and some times it even felt left like the floor disappeared. He started screaming out loud only to get his own echo in return. Starting to fumble and stumble he fell to his knees crying. Tears where running down his face, he where tired, mentally and physical all the way into his bare bones. -How does it fell? He heard the sentence as a small shaking whisper, it came from a far away corner. How does what feel?! he screamed back. -The loneliness and fear. Someone whisperer back, this time a little closer and more firm. -Who are you? Show yourself! He screamed out with a shaking and nervous voice. All the sudden a light went on and the empty space slowly started to turn into a room, a room that he remembered from somewhere but where? He looked out thru a window or at least he tried as the window where pitch black and all he saw where his own reflection.
-You left me her! For several years. He turned around shocked to see a child, sitting on a bed in the left corner of he room. The child had his legs crossed a black t-shirt with Eminem on and a pair of baggy pants. -Once I even tried to reach you by breaking out of this place but you had the way blocked by planks! The boy where about 12-13 years old and seemed familiar. Where had he seen this boy before? And this room, he have been here before but when and where? -You don't even recognize me do you? The boy asked. -I don't know, should I? He replied. -Well yes, You should, but I'm not surprised, you never listened to yourself anyway.The boy spoke with a soft voice while staring down into the floor -Myself? What are you saying? The boy looked up on him with big tear field green eyes. -Take a look around, this room used to be yours, this used to be yours. Said the boy while touching his face.
All the sudden memories he had pushed away and hidden deep inside where flashing back in front of him. This where his old boy room and the boy on the bed where him. He where back in the year when he slowly sank down into the dark matter that later would consume him completely. The following years would be filled with internal discussions and raging wars. He had found the darkest hour in his life, the hour where he realized that he did not belong on the surface of the earth. The exact moment when he started to hate everything and everyone. Everything where spinning around even thou he where standing still, he started to fill nauseated, weak, and again he fell to his knees.
-Why did you not stand up and fight? The boy asked now standing up in front of him.-You just gave in to your darkest feelings, you thru away all your capability. You could have been someone if you just had kept on fighting thru these years but instead you gave up and became....The boy went silent. -Became what? He screamed from the floor while spitting out saliva. -You became an idiot, you gave up your own self respect and decided to hide your clever side. You forgot about me and that created your own downfall, started to skipping school to do all kind of stupid shit. Why didn't you like me the way I am? Accepted me for me and not trying to twist and turn me into something else, something less.The boy where now walking around him. -I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I did not know what to do, I where scared. Now the words where not much more then a silent whisper leaving his lips while almost lying on the floor. All the sudden the spinning stopped and he felt a small hand touching the back of his neck. -I'm not the one to give you forgiveness, you are. I am going to make all of your mistakes anyway because you cant go back and change the past but now its up to you to change your future. There is no other way out, either you rise and become the one you where meant to be or you can just as well dig yourself down under ground. As the boy stopped speaking he started to rise from the floor and slowly he saw the room fading away again and somewhere in the distant he heard the boy speak. -Don't forget the past, forgive it and move on. When he where back on his feet the black empty space where back again an a completely silence followed. Without having any control of his body he started to drift out of the empty space towards the now open cellar door that led up to the main area again. On the way out all he could do where to whisper for himself. -I´m sorry, so so sorry.
He floated back the exact same way he had entered, except now things felt different. The long roads with packed boxes where more organized and felt cleaner like allot of boxes where gone. The enormous maze where still rebuilding and shifting shape but in a slower way and calmer way, It felt like a big amount of stress and agony had left this place. Also there where light all the way back now so he did not need any flashlight, he could see clearly.Once again he stood in the entry of the attic and noticed that the door where new and there where no sign of planks anywhere not even a key hole. -I guess I have to leave this one open from now on. He said to himself. He walked down the stairs just to realize that all the black mud where gone! He had to run down a few more stairs to have a look in the basement there he could see some of it where still existing but this time he would not let it build up inside again. From now on he would work with himself and not against himself, he had to it where the only way for survival and life.
Now he started to hear the distant wonderful tunes from TOOL, he where slowly waking up and coming back to real life on the outside. He still had a few seconds to think about the experience. To think all this time there had never been any demon it where just himself in his early teens crying, wanting someone to speak to or someone to just listen. He felt truly sorry for the boy now, there where never anyone there for him not even his own reflection. All it took where a few minutes with a few spoken words to mend the pain and apparently this had been to many minutes for anyone to spare. There had been several dark moments but this where the darkest of them all.
The green windows started to reopen, slowly very slowly. Now he looked forward to meet the future, he now understood that he did not need to love the world or the people in it, just as long as he loved him. Not trying to be someone else just because he thought that was what people expected him to be. A way to stand his own ground without crushing someone else´s. He needed to find a balance between the real world on the outside and his inner world. Or where this the real side of life? Maybe the outside is just an reflection of everything he had just witnessed in here? Maybe the outside where just a illusion to keep the inside alive? Nevertheless he had to go back out there again but this time he would have his inner child close in mind.
Written by: R.Jenders